Silence was a thorn in my side as a teenager. As I pushed through a season of depression, the hole I felt in the quiet times left a wound of fear that was all-encompassing and hard to express.
I had friends that couldn’t fill the emptiness and a co-dependent relationship that amplified my need for someone to always be near. The emotional and verbal abuse dragged me down into a void that suffocated my teenaged years with grief over the loneliness that was ever-present outside my door.
I fought so hard to get away from the silence. In it I cried and mourned and dreaded life. I wanted constant action and a filled schedule. When I saw it lurking in the halls of my mind, I screamed and ran as fast as I could, before it drowned me into thinking that I was nothing. Silence was the enemy of my mind.
Today I stand on the other side of that door. I am looking for silence daily. Is it in the bathroom with the door locked so that tiny hands can’t open up? Can it be hiding in my car with the music blazing and the windows rolled up? Does it stand on a mountain top speaking to me through the mighty winds? Is it under my pillow that is thrown over my head in the early morning hours? My head is not silent, my actions are many, and words are constantly bombarding me. Silence is eluding me.
I still fear loneliness and I sometimes want to break silence with senseless television viewing, but the Lord is calling me into my new season by inviting me into His presence with a quiet heart. He calms my thoughts and He relaxes my soul. He nurtures my needs and reminds me that I need to intentionally be looking for a time to shut the world off, and to open my time to Him.
Scripture reminds us to dim down the world and turn to truth.
John 14:27 MSG
I’m leaving you well and whole. That’s my parting gift to you. Peace. I don’t leave you the way you’re used to being left – feeling abandoned, bereft. So don’t be upset. Don’t be distraught.
After a time of living a distraught life, I realize that this is part of my story, it is what has led me to this place in time. I can share and spread hope while seeing a way to quiet my soul. I have been afraid for so long. Loneliness needs not to take hold. The Lord is always there. He is there in the silence, as well as in the busy.