I have been searching for a long time.
I could equate this endeavor to my life time. Not knowing purpose, place, nor ability, I point fingers in all directions in blame. But when I think through this tactic, I see that the thing I am pointing at the most is my own internal being.
It use to be the question: what do you want to be when you grow up? Now that I am a grown up, I wonder whom I’m meant to be.
Daughter, friend, wife and mother are all the basics. Sometimes that is simply enough. Disciple, witness, teacher, and mentor occasionally fall on my lap. Those things stretch me.
There’s something more. I can feel it.
When I stare at the mountains, the wind stirs me to reach out. The majesty of the one who drew those out attracts me to something that I can’t quite see.
The sound of the ocean calls me. Staring at its vastness creates a pull to search and pray, but for whom or for what.
My purpose seems lacking when compared to all the things that I had hoped for, prayed for, and thought I had been called to. It just seems that the right timing, the proper connections, popularity and money all have held me back and sucked me into the sinking sand at my ankles.
Psalm 57:2 ESV
I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me.
Lord, what is my purpose? Mother? Check. Wife? Check. Your child? Check. If these are what moves the kingdom for You, than why am I still standing here and feeling held back?
I don’t want to be drowning in doubt or failure. When You call, I want to move. When doors close, I want to be graceful.
Maybe the vision awaits me and it’s not the proper time. Maybe the nudge to move in small steps will lead to leaps and eventually bounds. Your purpose has me absorbed by Your faithfulness, yet I sometimes feel like I am only standing last on the sidelines.
Remembering that the mundane counts, I am still hopeful. The Lord gives grand tasks for His kingdom, and He gives small ones. None is greater or less than the other, all of equal importance. It’s just tiring to think in that mindset at times when you are ready and willing to move.
Habakkuk 2:3 ESV
For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.
I, too, have a vision. To see multi-generational faith through the small tasks of discipleship and acts of service through my home encourages me. The picture lies ahead and I would like to think it’s just around the corner waiting to reveal itself to me. I hang on to hope in the Lord and that He will keep His promises to us.
God graciously and abundantly gives to His children. He uses each of us in our own unique way. It’s hard to digest that it may not be what we want, but to remember that He loves us despite our deeds is promising to the eternity that awaits all of us as equals in His kingdom.
I may keep searching. My heart longs to soar. I believe that He will nurture me along the way and I will hold on to His faithfulness.
God graciously and abundantly gives to His children. He uses each of us in our own unique way. Click To Tweet
This post comes from the 20 Days of Devotionals series.
I think it takes some practice (or a lot- for some of us), to learn to ENJOY THE JOURNEY, especially for us type A personalities- the perfectionists, the highly driven…No doubt that you are on the right path sister!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and perspective.
Great post! Your post reminds me of a time when I was also trying to figure out God’s purpose for my life. I felt that all my dreams were dashed. I wanted to go to a prestigious college and make a six figure salary, but though that never happened I feel that God is prepping me for greater things than anything worldly success could have ever provided. God also has great things planned for you! Believe it; Live it!
Beautiful insights and Scriptures to ponder. I am 71 and wonder these same things during this season of my life. Elderly and a widow of 8 months…changes…big changes. Yet God’s love flows over me and I am peaceful so much more of the time these days. Praise Him. Thank you for this special post.
I loved your openness here. Thank you for sharing your heart. I’d like to recommend a book for you. It’s called Praying for Purpose. I found it delightful and helpful. Blessings to you on your faith journey!
Thank you.
Oh Maryann, you have gazed into my heart! I will be turning 60 in just a few weeks and your words have filled my thoughts so many times! I’m still waiting or am I? I go back and forth! Thank you for sharing your questioning with us. You’ve touched me once again!
Thank you for your encouragement.
This really spoke to where I find myself right now . God has given me these versus in habakkuk for years now. It’s hard sometimes when the wait has been so long but God knows best. Thank you
Habakkuk 2.3 YES LORD.
Wonderful post, and I think you HAVE found your purpose – because, by God, you inspire.
And you inpsired a poem. Lucky (?) you.
What the heck am I doing here,
why was this allowed?
Cancer sucks, that’s so clear,
but was my head not fully bowed?
But I hear you clearly in my heart,
I’m not in the penalty-box.
You just needed a fresh voice
to call out to the flocks.
I’m finding joy in malignancy,
and I need to shout it loud,
and you should take it literally:
death cannot be proud.
I am not doing this alone
for they rolled away the stone.
#2 at FMF this week.
https://blessed-are-the-pure-of-heart.blogspot.com/2019/02/your-dying-spouse-587-impossible-fmf.html
You’ve been very poetic lately, Andrew 🙂
it’s like you are talking my heart. 🙂