Can I be real and talk to you from a raw moment in my parenting?

I am reeling from my own disappointed expectations these past 15 years of my parental season. A grumpy day of unmet goals and wandering in circles turned into yelling, throwing and crocodile tears. My exasperated attitude blew the roof off my brain as I vomited my disappointment in the care each small person in the house pushed under the beds and dressers, quite literally and figuratively. This led to my balled fists, children staring like deer in headlights, and someone trying to cram as may things in hiding places as they could.

I attended the youngest as he cried tears of frustrations at not understanding where I was coming from and how his siblings got to this point. He rubbed his face as he fell into sadness over his own messes and lack of responsibility for part in this madness. I held him close, soothed his weary sobs, and told him that I loved him despite my fist shaking at the hand life dealt this day.

As my young child drifted off in the arms of his mother, I contemplated my next move and wondered if I could ever speak the right words for the others to finally grasp the concept of being good stewards, walking the Christian walk and not just talking the talk, and speaking of talking, kindness counts, and the mother-figure was tired.

Don’t we all want peace, quiet, good attitudes, and your small people to throw around kindness like confetti? If my household could attain just a fraction of that and hold on to it for just a few days, we would still fall short of the Lord’s glory.

So there you have it, my own words correct me. We all fall short, not just my children, but myself. Falling, yelling and tossing toys on the floor as I do, and not quite to the glory of the Lord.

Romans 3:23-24 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.

God is gently reminding me as I not so gently talked to my children, that all of us come up short, but because of Jesus we are saved through grace.  This doesn’t give any of us a pass. Just because Jesus came along and picked us up off the ground that is spewed with books, clothes and misguided tears, we still need to be accountable for actions, words and thoughts. We can’t complain about people doing sinful things and then behind closed doors do them ourselves. What a lesson to be learned.

I can’t yell and complain if they don’t understand expectations, and they can’t want more gratification if they can’t turn out goodness and kindness. We all are misplaced in some way or another. I can’t continue to point fingers and then lay on my face in a tearful failure if I can’t make things clear enough for all to understand.

We rely on Scripture for most things, but then kind of skate by in the grey area of liberty for the rest. It is a wonderful opportunity to live in the day and age that we do, where our freedoms are upheld by government and moral principles. But when I find myself balling my fists because I am the enforcer without  turning the little lives back to God’s Word, we might be doing something wrong.

I am proud of my children. They know Scripture very well. I never had formal training until my adulthood, but my children have been in the Word since they could read. They know what God expects of them, and they hate injustice. They hate the very thing that seems to brew inside their own walls, but maybe it’s because they are feeding off of their mother’s very own self-defeating attitudes.

So this is where we are at. A night of yelling, grounding, and tears that followed a day of bad attitudes, a 10 minute nap that left a big red mark across my face, and an aggravating encounter with life.   We all have bad days, and some are amplified by a lack of self-worth. When I don’t feel like enough, the whole house and the world seems like a black hole sucking joy from one’s soul.

I turn now to God, because He is the only one who can really heal this situation among many. He picks up the pieces, heals the broken hearts, and lets us start anew in the morning.

Lamentations 3:22-23 The LORD’S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.

Tomorrow morning, after I hit the snooze at 6am and then again at 6:05, I will roll out of bed, and make a weary cup of coffee. I will follow a Bible lesson and think about my day ahead.  But before I do all of that, in those minutes between snoozes, I will intentionally pray for the little lives in my care and pray that I embrace the care I have for my own.

I no longer want to face the raw moments of motherhood. I want to walk in grace and mercy, while striving for humility in living out the Lord’s will for my life. Despite my own misgivings, I enjoy where the Lord has placed me and understand that my primary ministry is to raise, educate and care for the lives under my roof.   My commission is right in front of me. I may not be going out into the world to make disciples, but I am making them at home and that’s where I am to start.

Photo by Jon Flobrant on Unsplash