Here are those five minutes. All of the above are things that I have brought into the New Year, but they are not as heavy baggage as the previous ones. The depth of sorrow, sadness, and a wasted life isn’t as abysmal as before. Healing is in reach but not quite in hand.

There is a struggle with church culture. I admit that I fight through continued forethoughts on why the Christian community makes it so difficult to allow another believer to anguish through depression, anxiety, trauma, and suicidal ideations. It’s not a lack of faith, nor an issue at birth. It’s not a curse, nor a punishment, even when it feels like one because it does.

I wrestle with why we are often in this stance, so focused on serve, serve, serve, praising the people we know so well that we’re praising forever, ignorance of other denominations that we are blind to the bit of twisting on our own, an ever-creeping taste of Nationalism, and we glorify God throughout.

Glory to the Lord! Do it first, do it throughout, do it last, and do it always! However, the judgment that we don’t speak aloud, we often pass off as disdain or blatant disregard. Let’s ignore that the person has been here, and maybe they will actually go away. They make us uncomfortable; they seem to know things that I don’t like, so I tune them out. Oh, they’re a woman-pass, or they’re not from here, hence they’ll never be one of us; we can’t possibly listen to their words.

These are the words that I fall upon that should matter the most: Colossians 3:24-25 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.

God’s words are always worth the most. People hurt people, and God made us to live in community. This is what makes being a follower so hard sometimes, the people who are only looking in and not out. Goes both ways, and I need to do well in remembering this no matter the observation my eyes may fall on.

This is that lament. It’s scattered rantings, it’s the processing of the healing one needs to do when no one stands beside them in the way that they need. This is how I am mending in a curious way.